The new neighbors are nice-ish. They don’t talk to us, we don’t talk to them, it’s all good. And even though there seems to be a lot of them (teenage girl has about 6 friends over often, 20-something guy has a handful of friends over, and older couple- assuming parents- 20-something guy seems to have a wife and a baby and a toddler), we’re not really sure who all actually lives there, and who just visits a lot. Thankfully, someone in that house seems to be 3rd shift so we hardly ever hear them after whoever leaves soon after we come home.

This story is not about them, however. I’m just happy to have neighbors that we can live with. No, this isn’t about the Jamaican family that used to live across from us either, who would have loud wailing chants at midnight during full moons (and once on Friday the 13th). This is a story about a relatively normal neighbor across the way.

There was a bird. An insomniac bird. Possibly an insomniac bird with turrets. This bird, for God-only-knows-why would wake up about 9 pm and sing incessantly until about 4am, at which point all the other birds would wake up. Oddly, however, all the other birds combined managed to not be as loud as this one bird. Seriously, we hear big rigs and trains going by our house that this bird drowned out.

Several times we considered killing it. Sometimes we considered asking the landlord to rip out its favorite tree. One night, our sort-of-normal neighbor was out having a smoke just as we came home. We did the fake half-smile-just-in-case-he-notices-us-and-we-have-to-be-polite thing. But he didn’t notice us. Instead, he sauntered over to the tree and stared at it for a moment. And then suddenly shook the hell out of that tree! We, of course, started laughing and got out of the van.

Not-so-normal-neighbor sees us, shakes his head, and says “Bloody bird. I shut him up before and he’s already back at it! I may have to shoot him.” (sounded a lot funnier with his accent and body language).

First, a co-worker quit. He’s one of those jerk-on-the-outside-teddy-bear-on-the-inside types (and no bringing up the fact that I hate teddy bears!). Since I knew he was quitting as soon as he had a good job lined up, and I know that he’s the one that steals my Pepperidge Farms Milano double chocolate cookies (I know because he brazenly steals and eats them IN FRONT OF ME), I prepared and bought a second package of Milanos and hid them in one of my drawers under a pile of old grocery bags.

So, this after noon he tells me that today was his last day working there, and I jump up and grab the bag out of the drawer and hand them to him. He gives me the “what’s the crazy lady doing?” look until I explain that I’ve been holding onto them until I knew he was going and they’re a parting gift. Would you believe that this big, mean, Sicilian pirate from Philly comes over and hugs me before he left? Awwwww.

So, after work I hit the grocery store. End up striking up a conversation with the two people behind the deli counter. THEN I end up somehow crossing paths with the same couple over and over and over… And yes, I know that that’s common. What’s not common is that the other person/people turn out to be friendly and joke about it with you. So, I’m getting near the end of the store, the couple passes me again and then suddenly stop and grin at me. The wife looks at me and says “Well, we have to go home now, so have a good evening!”. *lol* There was a bit more banter involving weekends, Christmas, New Years, etc, and then they were on their way.

So I’m already late finishing up the groceries and get in line. Next thing you know, I end up chatting to the cashier. We end up so deep in conversation that actually walked with me to the door still talking! I kid you not! In fact, she started to go back to her station several times, and then come back to tell me something else. *lol* All in all, groceries took about 45 minutes longer than usual, but I had a blast!

#1- Surprised Kitty

You’ll probably think that I found this video through DoshDosh’s tweet- you’d be wrong. I actually saw it on Yahoo yesterday, but DoshDosh tweeted the link today at a really good time for me to copy it out saving me time. Soooooo cuuuuuute.

#2- Which Way Did It Go, George?

This cracked me up. Also from Yahoo, I saw my husband watching this vid of a football player (Florida State Lineman), who didn’t move. I don’t know anything about football, so I can’t explain it, but it’s pretty durn funny in my opinion.

#3- What Do Red Foxes Eat?

Yesterday (or maybe it was the day before?) I posted a link to this video. My favorite Make Money Online blogger filmed his 7 year old daughter hand feeding a red fox. Apparently, foxes eat hamburger patties. Pretty, pretty fox.

First, my brother and sister in law didn’t get their dogs fixed in time, and so there were 3 adorable 2 week old puppies in the house. Second, my sister in law’s entire family (almost) came- her niece, her parents, her brother and his wife and their son, her aunt, two cousins, and the cousins’ nephew and niece, and her brother brought his two dogs (so there were 4 adult lap dogs and 3 puppies whose eyes haven’t opened yet) (this is in addition to their 3 kids and my parents). Her family is awesome and fun, but what really, really made my day was watching one of her cousins playing with my 5 year old playa nephew. Please note that he’s 5 years old and has a 6 year old girlfriend. And makes a point of introducing himself to every pretty girl no matter her age.

Now, my SIL’s very pretty cousin who is probably around my age seems to be as taken with my nephew as he is with her. They danced together, she listened to his philosophy on life, and even took the time to figure out what on earth a “white thunder suit” is (turns out they’re police car themed shoes with blinky lights on the front). In fact, at one point, he had my SIL’s SIL packing his vitamins in a ziploc bag, and when we asked him why, he said “Because I have to take my vitamins every day, and I’m going with her.” as he pointed at SIL’s cousin.

So, at the end of the evening, I’m sitting and chatting with my brother as my nephew continued to woo a woman approximately 5-6 times his age… I forget what he did or said, but my brother laughed at him and said “You’re incorrigible.” My nephew paused for a moment, then said “No, I’m lucky!”.

I hope everyone had a Thanksgiving as good as mine.

hysteria
A mythical emotional disorder ascribed only to women for about 2,500 years. In ancient Greece, it was ascribed to not being pregnant often enough. In Roman times, it was ascribed to not having enough sex.  In Medieval times, and colonial times in North America, it was ascribed to not having enough or sufficient orgasms. In Victorian times and during the early 20^th century, it was also ascribed to too much intellectual stimulation and became an excuse for denying education and voting rights to women. At the beginning of the 20^th century, U.S. doctors invented the vibrator to treat hysteria. They brought women to orgasm with vibrators, which would supposedly calm them down and keep them from becoming hysterical. See “wandering uterus.”

Wow. That’s the last time I tell someone they’re being hysterical or referring to something as hysterical. Seriously.  Though you girls can use this to give your men hints. And it was developed by doctors? For medical treatment? Yeesh. Ya learn new things every day!

wandering uterus
A mythical emotional disorder first described in ancient Athens by Hippocrates, who is considered the “father of medicine.” Hippocrates taught that, unless a woman was pregnant often enough, her uterus would wander around inside her body looking for a fetus to inhabit it. As the uterus rose inside her, she would become hysterical. If she did not have sex with a man and become pregnant, the uterus would rise into her throat and strangle her. See “hysteria.”

Bwahahahahaha! I’m sorry, I just think this is hilarious. Granted, this is me with all our modern medical knowledge and all, but… seriously! And notice how it was always men that came up with these theories?

merkin
A wig for the genitals, used from the 16^th to the 18^th centuries by people who had lost their pubic hair due to small pox or scarlet fever. Now used to describe decorative patches worn over the genitals.

I so, so, so badly want to write a historical now, just so that I can use this! I also need to find a searchable database of Shakespeare’s works because I’m certain I’ve seen him use the term “merkin” in an insult before.

normophilia ­
Sexual preferences that are considered common or “normal” according to social norms.

Really? Really? Apparently because every possible deviant sexual behavior and preference is so widely accepted now, we actually have to define and name non-deviant behavior. Uhhhhh….

Dear Agent,

Sorry, I’d address you personally but I don’t actually know your name. But that’s ok, because once you hear my idea for a book, I’m sure you’ll forget about absolutely everything else!

I’m currently researching a book about SkyDiving Elephants and the Pineapples Who Love Them. The working title is “You Forgot To Pack My Trunk!”. My 10 year old is a really good drawer, and I thought she could do the illustrations. I think that would be really good for promotion too, because then kids will want to buy the book as much as adults, because someone their own age did the drawings!

I know that platform is everything, and so I’ve started a hugely successful blog. I have a lot of people coming to visit it, sometimes as many as 50 in a day. I know that 5 of them are foaming at the mouth just waiting for me to get published. I know this, because one is my mother, two of them are my best friends, one’s my brother’s girlfriend (we get along really, really well), and the other one is a stalker. I think if I tell him I’ll give him my phone number if he buys 5000 copies, we’ll have a really good start on sales.

And don’t worry, I’m totally not a noob. I’ve already found a publisher that wants me, and it’ll only cost $5000 for the first run of 250 books.

So, email me right back and we’ll get started!

Sincerely,
XOXO

P.S. Don’t try to steal my idea because I’ve copyrighted it.

(To anyone who isn’t familiar with me or my blog, please don’t flame me. This is a joke. Everyone knows that pineapples don’t love elephants, and if they did, they wouldn’t go on record about it.)

Yeah, I thought you’d like that….

You can see what I mean here, because they have embedding disabled. Poopy heads. (vid is clean)

Also, I don’t think anyone understands all the words to this, but for those who are interested, here’s a vid of the underpants gnome song. Enjoy!

Consider cars that backfire, and yet when you look outside, there’s no vehicle on the street? I believe that I have solved this mystery.

It’s the Knight Bus from Harry Potter’s wizarding world. Remember how it goes crack and jumps to another area of Britain altogether? Well, I’ve decided that the Knight Bus doesn’t just deliver silly wizards to various places in Britain, but all over the world. And those non-existant cars that backfire? Well, that’s just the Knight Bus apparating and disapparating.

Ta-da! Mystery solved.

So, anyway, he pulls up this awesome video of Andrea Bocelli singing Elmo to sleep. I love it! Andrea Bocelli has the most incredible voice, and it’s so cute the way he keeps smiling at Elmo.

There’s a better quality video here, but it won’t allow for embedding.