Dear Agent,

Sorry, I’d address you personally but I don’t actually know your name. But that’s ok, because once you hear my idea for a book, I’m sure you’ll forget about absolutely everything else!

I’m currently researching a book about SkyDiving Elephants and the Pineapples Who Love Them. The working title is “You Forgot To Pack My Trunk!”. My 10 year old is a really good drawer, and I thought she could do the illustrations. I think that would be really good for promotion too, because then kids will want to buy the book as much as adults, because someone their own age did the drawings!

I know that platform is everything, and so I’ve started a hugely successful blog. I have a lot of people coming to visit it, sometimes as many as 50 in a day. I know that 5 of them are foaming at the mouth just waiting for me to get published. I know this, because one is my mother, two of them are my best friends, one’s my brother’s girlfriend (we get along really, really well), and the other one is a stalker. I think if I tell him I’ll give him my phone number if he buys 5000 copies, we’ll have a really good start on sales.

And don’t worry, I’m totally not a noob. I’ve already found a publisher that wants me, and it’ll only cost $5000 for the first run of 250 books.

So, email me right back and we’ll get started!

Sincerely,
XOXO

P.S. Don’t try to steal my idea because I’ve copyrighted it.

(To anyone who isn’t familiar with me or my blog, please don’t flame me. This is a joke. Everyone knows that pineapples don’t love elephants, and if they did, they wouldn’t go on record about it.)

I have been a Clueless geek since I made a bargain with my not-boyfriend that I’d watch his horror flick if he watched Clueless with me. How was I to know that I was actually displaying culture and taste instead of insipid stupidity every time I watched Cher make a fool of herself in front of the hot gay guy?

You see, Sunday afternoon I watched the Gwyneth Paltrow version of Emma, based on the Jane Austen novel, and BOOM, it hit me. Clueless is a remake of Emma of the same awesome caliber as 10 Things I Hate About you being a remake of Taming of the Shrew.

OK, I’ll grant you that a simple movie can never be as good as a classic novel such as any of Jane Austen’s. And I know that A&E and the BBC have their own versions which are probably much better. However, Gwyneth was available on the free movies on On Demand, so there. Free trumps good any old day.

And I’ll be honest with you. I’ve never been a fan of Gwyneth Paltrow, often choosing to skip movies entirely just because she headlined in them. But the woman held her own! Usually American actors and actresses show up as the gaudy, incapable things that they really are when held up against the acting of the British. Keanu Reeves in Much Ado About Nothing, anyone? The man nearly ruined the whole flick despite the awesome acting by the others. But Gwyneth Paltrow? I may have to rethink my opinion of her. She really performed well. Plus, I think she should always wear her hair up from now on. It looks good on her.

The thing is, I’ve always known that 10 Things I Hate About You. I mean, they kept the same names and attended Padua High. The cheesiness is part of what I loved! But in Clueless, yes, SOME of the names were the same, but Cher vs Emma? Not obvious (I’ll have to watch it again to see if Emma is her middle name or a silent first name or something). But still, as I watched Emma (obviously I haven’t read the book yet, though it is in my TBR pile), I kept noting the similarities and at times was able to predict what would happen next based on my knowledge of Clueless.

But while I loved the cheesy obviousness of 10 Things, Clueless shows me something different. How you can take a classic story, boil it down, and turn it into something different. While the best parts of Emma were modernized, I saw where the cast was narrowed down to make individual characters stronger. While Emma’s governess became Cher’s best friend, certain personality traits were greatly exaggerated or removed. Where Mr. Knightly was like a brother to Emma, he actually became a brother to Cher through several remarriages.

It all began sliding into place how these people had done it. Me? If I were to try to remake something, I would have immediately gotten stuck trying to find the modern equivalent. But that’s now how it was done. It was taking the basic parts of the original, and re-spinning it.

For example: Harriet got sick before the party and couldn’t go. So Mr. Elton felt free to press his affections on Emma on the drive home. Later, Emma gets stuck while crossing a stream and is rescued by Frank Churchill.

Ty gets hit on the head at the party. Later, Elton drives Cher home and tries to press his affections on her. He drops her off in the middle of nowhere, and is rescued by her “brother”.

In fact, there was even a mugging in both, but totally different circumstances and results.

But I see now how it’s done. It’s like making an outline of a story, and then writing a story based on THAT outline.  And if you get stuck, you can always go back for more details! I’ve always wanted to write my own 10 Things, and now I think I know how.

Also, I have a new review of Wild at Heart up at the site I review for.

Now, I love Monsters Inc, but I think my favorite Pixar movie of all time (thus far) is The Incredibles. And so I watched it.

And then I watched some of the extras. Somewhere around the time the head honcho of The Incredibles started talking about how painful it was to cut out good scenes, lose pitch points to make the story stronger, and how the story evolves from pitch to finish, I realized that I can actually learn something from this. These extras were not just entertainment to my easily entertained mind- they were a learning tool.

Pixar creates (or, at least, had created) some of the best stories to come out of the movie industry in years. Whether you like a particular movie or not doesn’t matter- the story is guaranteed to be high quality. Pixar pre Disney acquisition had the same high standards that Disney had pre Walt’s death. We’ll see what happens after the acquisition with Wall-E, which seems to me to be more of a Pixar short, merely extended to fill feature length time requirements.

Anyway. I dug out all of my Pixar movies, and plan to watch the extras and commentaries on all of them to see what I can glean. I watch TV anyway when I’m doing needlework, so I might as well make it productive in more than a few finished cross stitch patterns.

One thing that I highly recommend to any writers, is to watch Vowellet- An Essay By Sarah Vowell. She’s the voice of Violet, and is also a writer. Since I know most of you will not go out and buy The Incredibles 2-disc Collectors Edition just to see a few minutes of a funny, slightly wacked writer/voice actor, I dug up a copy on YouTube. It’s a little on the quiet side, but just wait till you see her open up the action figure box. This is what totally won my heart.

2. I had 26* hits today on my Obama post- all coming from Dogpile. The search query seemed to be “obama mamma”, but I could be wrong.

3. I had one hit on my obama post from Google Images.

4. Yesterday, I had another search engine result for “pigslap”. I knew Squidoo was supposed to be good for traffic, but that isn’t what I thought they meant.

5. Al Fresco chicken sausages makes an awesome Buffalo Chicken sausage. Beyond yumm! Tastes just like mild chicken wings, only without the fat. Same as their italian chicken sausage- tastes just like Johnsonvilles, but without the greasy after taste (and 1/2 the calories, 1/2 the salt, and 1/4 the fat). Awesome. We’ve been eating them for 3 weeks now, and hubby’s just now getting a little tired of the same flavors over and over.

6. I’ve been working on half finished projects all week (both needlework). I never realized how much room these projects take up in my head, but the closer I get to finishing, the more my creative juices flow. I’ve had some fantastic ideas pop into my head for Book 1 and Book 2 as I progress along.

7. I have two, really obnoxious gnats buzzing around my desk. And they’re just fast enough that I can’t catch/kill them. Argh.

*Update: Last count- 45 hits from dogpile, and the day isn’t over yet. Boy, are those web surfers going to be disappointed that it has nothing to do with last night’s events.

Wow. I’ve never seen it put so simply (though definitely long) before. It’s a complete breakdown of all the important aspects of a scene- and sequels, which are also explained. You know how people are always looking for the “magic button” to teach them how to write? I think this is as close as you can get. It won’t give you a good story, but it does explain how to lay each element out. It almost gives you a check list- and as I was reading the article I could see how each was important and how it plays out in writing.

I just thought it was an excellent article, packed with information, and wanted to share it.

Friday night I updated my website with a new CD review (Flatfoot 56- Jungle of the Midwest Sea) that I’d rushed through to get it up. Amazingly, I’ve had the most positive feedback on that review. Although I have mixed feelings about the one that said “You’re really improving!”… Ok, neurosis is back.

Saturday I went to the Celtic Fling since three of my favorite bands were playing and we never seem to get decent live shows around here. Ya gotta take it when you can get it. Unfortunately I got sun poisoning along with the 4 cds that I bought, and crashed immediately upon getting home.

Those who know me, know that I don’t go to bed until 4am usually, and I got home just before 9pm.

Sunday, I still didn’t feel too great and yet all of the stress that has been dragging me down for months seemed to have melted away. I don’t know if it was spending the day doing exactly as I pleased (not counting getting dragged away from my favorite band to witness a proposal- but I was quite happy about that), or if it was the enforced bed rest- but I spent Sunday pounding out reviews, blog posts, and various other “work” that I’d been long neglecting. It felt good.

And the blog posts and reviews (I added a review of the Celtic Fling under “show reviews”) that I wrote have had some of the highest hits I’ve gotten yet. It just goes to show- sometimes when you have the most pressing deadlines is when you need to take a break the most.

My favorite genre is fantasy, and most fantasy has a medieval or renaissance feel to the world. I’ve been trying to figure out how to make the worlds I’m building feel more real- and studying time periods can only tell you so much.

I remembered the time that I’d had a glass of raw milk (unprocessed aside from being refrigerated) and how different it is from what you buy in the store. So I started wondering about how I could get my hands on some so that I could analyze the taste and texture. Even if I don’t use it in any of the novels, it’s something that the characters would know, and it would be a part of them. Then I began wondering about all sorts of things that I’d have to see or do in order to truly understand it. Simple things, like watching a blacksmith shoe a horse, or someone churning butter. Some of this can be done with the SCA, but not all.

Last weekend my husband took me out to a local tourist hot spot for dinner (weird, I know, but it was the only proper restaurant within 10 minutes of where we used to live and therefore sentimental for us). The thing about tourist restaurants is that they always have a slew of tourist pamphlets that the locals make fun of when we first walk in. And always sneak peaks at on our way out just in case there’s something interesting that we’ve missed.

And then I realized. I live in Amish country. I live in a touristy bit of Amish country at that. There are buggy rides and farm tours- even a model house that you can tour. True, they do have some modern conveniences (mostly gas powered), but there’s still enough that they do without modern technology that I can experience in an affordable way.

Who knows, it might even be fun! And I should come away with some experiences that will give a whole new life to my prose. I might even set a chick-lit here once I’ve done all of the touristy bits that people who don’t live here would be familiar with (such as the girl I met in London who knew exactly where Ephrata, Pennsylvania was because she’d been there). After all, if you avoid the touristy things, you just have a regular town with regular people and regular hang outs. And what kind of fun is that?

So- all of you writers out there, have you ever done anything touristy in your home towns and was it for fun or research?

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04-06-05

Well, I’ve decided to keep a journal of my writing- at least this current novel. I’m also working on a non-fiction, but as that’s mostly research, I only need notes for that.

For several months now, I’ve had this idea floating around in my head, and I’ve ruthlessly shoved it into a very small locker in my brain and told it to be very quiet while I work on my proper fantasy novel. Naturally, it wouldn’t behave, and neither did my so-called proper novel.

So, a few days back my friends (twins, and both professional writers) invited me over for coffee, bagels, and talk. Sunday, I went. And this is how it goes (paraphrased):

Twin 1: So, what are you working on now.

Me: Me?

Twin 1: Yeah, tell us about it.

Me: Uh… well, you see, the book I’m working on just won’t work. My heroine just refuses to behave the way I need her to, to make the plot work- so I either have to develop another heroine for the plot, or another plot for the heroine.

Twin 1: Well, can’t you tweak it a bit to make it fit? Or give her something in her past that makes her behave the way you need her to?

Me: Nope. I already know her family and background, and she just won’t go along with any of it. She’s entirely too sensible and practical.

Twin 2: You could make her another character to do it for her.

Me: No- she needs to be the main character… Although….

Twin 1: What?

Twin 2: What?

Me: Well, I’ve had this idea in my head for another story that I’m thinking about working on right now.

Twin 1: Well, tell us about it.

Twin 2: Yeah, tell us.

And so I ramble on about cave women, elves, and big, busty, blond, Nordic women. Eventually I have them so confused (neither reads fantasy) that they simply demand a summary in 2 sentences. “But I don’t know if the elves are good or bad” I say. At this point their mother pipes up with “That’s one sentence!”.

Happily, after much discussion we managed to work out between the three of us what the protagonist’s companion should be as well as her age. Aside from this, I’ve felt rather blocked for information until tonight. Tonight I’ve envisioned my plot! God bless the shower.

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The funny thing about finding this journal entry (the only one I ever wrote, apparently) is that I’d completely forgotten about that heroine. Reading about her again just reminded me of how aggravating her good sense was to me. I still love her as a character, but trying to stick her into a decent plot is like asking Leonardo DiCaprio to be a good actor. It just ain’t gonna happen.

I always find it interesting looking back on things I’ve written. Sometimes I’m impressed with how good it seems (I tend to assume that anything I write just isn’t very good), sometimes I’m horrendously embarrassed by it. Most of the time it’s just a moment of “wow, I’d forgotten that I’d ever thought that”.

A few days ago I was reading through one of the Hal Spacejock blogs and came across this post. At one point he mentions that he’s mastered the art of writing in the dark. That’s when I realized not everyone can. Strange, I know. I’m one of those people that always has a notebook (or scraps of paper) and a pen somewhere around me. Even in bed. When I was single I often slept with paper and pens in the bed. My husband doesn’t like that however, so I just keep it on the side table or headboard.

Now, also when I was single, I would use my remote control to turn on the tv so I would have enough light to write by. Now that I’m married, my husband insists that the light from my cellphone’s screen keeps him up when it’s halfway across the room. And so, when I’m tossing and turning, and suddenly a brilliant scene, dialogue, or even name springs to the forefront I simply reach behind me, grab my notebook and pen, and furiously scribble for two or three minutes. In the dark, without my glasses. I’ve also learned how to do this by moving only my fingers (no wrist or elbows) since any movement seems to wake him up.

After much experimentation and study I’ve decided: I do my best work at 4:15am, just as I’m drifting off to sleep, in the dark, on post it notes. I’ve considered this, and have decided that I might as well give up the whole idea of typing and write my entire novel on post-its. Remember this author’s website? I’ve already got my marketing plan. How about you?

And, oh yes, I really do go to bed at 4am. I work second shift and I hate (read loathe beyond compare) mornings. I don’t get out of bed till 12pm. Really.

One of the games is called Liebrary. One player is designated the liebrarian (this moves in a clockwise manner at the beginning of each turn). The liebrarian rolls a die for genre, draws a card in the corresponding genre’s box, and reads out the book title, author, and a description of the book. Each player (aside from the liebrarian) writes out the best opening line for that book as they can manage. These are passed on to the liebrarian who reads them along with the real first line. Each player chooses which they think is the real line, and points are awarded accordingly. It’s basically a Balderdash for books.

Now, I absolutely thought it was a blast. Your average gameplayer (assuming not of a literary bent) probably wouldn’t agree. However, if your writers group or bookclub doesn’t limit itself in activities this would be a great party game. Not only were we very impressed with how believable each other’s opening lines were (despite the time limit), but it was a great way to get the creative juices flowing. Besides, one of those “opening lines” just might become your book’s opening line. They’re giving you the premise, but you’re doing the writing.

Of course, there was that moment when one of us (ok, me) blurted out “I should have known. We’re all better than that!” It was Tolstoy.

Yes, I will go hide now.