Periodically, I get the urge to work on my novel- which is also about the time that I remember something that actually has to get done. Most of the time, I ponder which of my many sites I have to work on while I’m busy feeding virtual fish.

Last week, my friends convinced me to finally write a PLR pack like I’ve been talking about for the past 3 or 4 years. I keep meaning to, just never get around to it. But guess what? They pushed me, I did it and… Now I’m putting off learning how to list it so that it gets automatically delivered, and knowing that I’ll actually have to post it up for sale. Personally, I think sales pitches are stupid, so I probably won’t bother doing that at all, but I then worry that if I don’t do a sales pitch, will I not actually sell the pack?

And then I think, “I should do an e-book!” But what on? I know Walt Disney World better than almost anyone who hasn’t worked there for 5 or more years (seriously, I’ve met lifers there who barely know how to do more than ring up a sale). And should I really be spending my time on an ebook when I won’t even go do the link building for the sites that are already earning me money?

I know, I need to just suck it up and do it. Focus. The problem is, what on?

The thing is, I’ve just come out of a hard place, or am coming out of it now. Hard to tell depending on what time of day it is. Anyway, I’ve rediscovered my faith, and while it’s still a rough time, I just felt that it was very important to talk about this.

There are a handful of celebrities who have been on my heart lately. Blame it on Lynn Spears’ Through The Storm or what you will. I had the thought to start a positive celebrity blog, but I’m really not sure that’s what God has for me.  But I do know that while I’m praying for someone very important in my life, there are a few others that I need to lift up in prayer.

Britney Spears is one- though that may be because of her mother’s book. But also the Jonas Brothers who are professing Christians and are wearing purity rings. They’ve taken a LOT of flack in the media for that. And Christian or not, there is nothing wrong with abstaining until marriage. If they change their minds, I don’t want it to be because of peer pressure! And Miley Cyrus since she’s still essentially a good kid, but is starting to become affected by the limelight.

I started looking for a celebrity prayer list and found instead a rather strong gossip site. I know a lot of people love the celeb gossip sites, but I’ve turned my back on them (hold me accountable if I slip up!). Eventually, though, I found one site that either assigns you a celebrity to pray for or lets you pick one from their list. That sounded a bit controlling to me, though I’m sure that wasn’t the intention.

However, after a little more searching, I found Celebrity Prayer Network. This isn’t exactly what I had in mind, but it’s close. While I have it on my heart to pray for all celebs whether they’re believers or not, this site focuses on those who seem to be most in need. Like I said, Christian celebrities need to be supported as much or more than other celebs to keep them from caving into the media machine. But it’s a good starting off point if you don’t have special celebs on your heart.

The other one would be Barack Obama. He’s about to take the highest office in our land, to be one of the most powerful men in the world. He definitely needs prayer. Whether you voted for him or not, he’s ours for the time being, and anyone needs prayer- a leader most of all.

So, I’m sorry to any of you who find this highly offensive, but the whole point of the blogosphere is to put ourselves out there, isn’t it? So that’s what I’m doing. This site is the “all of me” personal blog. I may not share my hurts in so public a forum, but there ya go.

I’ve had the odd break here and there: a visit with my friends T&C, who are also my editors at TitleTrakk (though we mostly talked business, because T is a magazine writer, and C is a novelist, and I’m sorta in between. Plus we all run websites, and, well, you get the idea). Also an evening at the in-laws, twice hubby decided that rooms needed rearranging, and so on.

But the projects I’ve been working on are coming to an end. I now have 52 Squidoo lenses, all of which have been updated within the past two weeks. I need to build a few more to give myself a cushion, but I think I’ll qualify as a Giant Squid by the end of the week (we’ll see if they agree).

My medusa site, while likely to never actually be finished given the rate of new product being released, has over 450 live pages, most of which are indexed. I think. I’m getting search hits and even had a sale, so I’m just guessing here.

I have a few more large projects in the offing: a site based on the My Town Monday idea (I totally blame you Travis, if that site takes up all my time), more affiliate sites, and, actually, I plan to do NaNoWriMo this year. More on that later.

Here’s the thing. I don’t believe that I have EVER focused for so long one one (or, technically, two) projects at a time. With Squidoo, it was having a deadline imposed on me. I can’t force myself to stick to my own deadlines, so having one thrust upon me was key. With my medusa site, I expected it to be a one or two day project, but it just kept growing, and growing, and growing….

But I stuck to it. Usually I don’t. Usually, at some point when I realize that the project is bigger than I planned, and the reward so small or unlikely, I just up and quit. Usually intending to go back and finish it later, which I never do.

As these projects have been winding down, I’ve been thinking about my next big project. At first, it was considering taking a break before NaNoWriMo. And then it was thinking of building up a series of articles for the MTM type site. But then I realized that I already have a big project. A really big project. A project that I love but have been ignoring since these projects started.

My novel. Why am I pushing it off to focus on other projects? Is it for the reasons I stated? The deadline, and the unexpected sizes of the projects? Is it the fear of failure? Or is it just because I don’t know how to buckle down and work?

As I thought about it, I’ve decided that it’s because I’ve never made myself work before. Schoolwork was always pointless to me, and I test well. I bluffed my way through reports, and I always just winged it at my jobs- taking orders, not initiative.

So now that I’ve completed these humongous tasks, will I be able to apply it to the rest of my life? Will I suddenly have a clean home? A happy husband who’s fed healthy food and given lots of attention? A finished novel? All three would be nice, but I’ll settle for the novel (sorry hubs).

I guess only time will tell, but if you don’t see me around, assume the best.

And it is a funny book, both for the reasons it was meant to be, and for clever little turns of phrases that manage to crack me up though I can’t remember them by the time I’m near a computer and hubby wouldn’t get it so… Anyway.

I have this thing about classics. I feel like I have to read each and every one of them at some point in time just so that I know what I’m missing by reading all my modern literature (even when by “modern” I mean the 1920′s, or even Jane Austen). I suppose it’s also a point of pride for me, having been one of the only half dozen or so in my English classes who actually understood Shakespeare (as well as you can without learning much about that time period), and one of the only two who actually liked Shakespeare.

The problem with some of these books, is that unless you’re a well versed historian (rather than someone who’s just into history), calling them classics is like a layman referring to the Hippocratic Oath as the end all be all of ethics. It may very well be, but we’ll never know unless we learn to read it in its original greek, and study all of its incarnations since then (cuz, really, if our doctors used the original Oath? A lot of things would be veeery different).

Without having the very basic understanding that the intended readers had, we’re just going to miss things. I could probably learn to understand Jonathan Wild in all it’s wonderful tricks, and layers, and hidden meanings. It would take me years, but I could do it.

I could do it, but I don’t want to. It’s bad enough that I’m a procrastinator to start with. With books that I love, I’m too wrapped up in the story to work on my own. With books I don’t love, I just want to get through them and to the end, and so that’s my excuse as well. The dull books don’t wrap up my creative mind the way well written modern novels do, but they give me something to latch on to in their own way.

Books are my addiction, and just like a drug addict, even the bad ones give me what I think I need. I just need to work on my gardening so I can share the homegrown.

Guess what I haven’t had for the past week? And which week am I floundering like mad?

This weekend, I spent my usual atcafeworkingonmyWIP time visiting with my mother. Which is good. Yanno. Free food, mothers day, chocolate coffee malt (seriously, try it). It’s good. What it isn’t, is alone time. What it is, is toosickfromcoffeechocolatemalttoworkonWIP.

Sunday, I didn’t leave the house at all. Literally. Not even to take out garbage. Hubby only left to take out garbage.

Now, I love him dearly. I’m glad I live with him. I’m glad we work together. I’m glad he does all the driving when we’re together. What I’m not glad about, is that that means I’m not alone EVER. Unless I make the effort to leave for a few hours, or he goes to his mother’s, brother’s, or our friend Rafy’s. That’s it. He pouts and complains when I send him to the drugstore without me.

And this weekend is our anniversary.

So, I can fix the coffee issue. No problem. But it looks like another week or so till I get some time to myself. I’m considering investing in those Bose headphones that block out all sound, and then locking the door.

I do not feel this way about blogging.

I sometimes feel this way on Twitter (I’m serious).

I sometimes feel this way when commenting.

For some bizarre reason, I feel this way when I think about reading the novel I’m currently on.

I think the reason I feel this way about my WIP is because I’ve hit one of those ambiguous spots where I have a general idea of what should happen (as in, write something that takes Z from here to there), but not specifically what should happen (as in, have Z accidently snort a bee up her nose, because that’s what’s really going to catch B’s attention and peeve off R). This spot is very vague in my already vague outline as well. But if I skip ahead, having the open spot will work on my nerves until it can be fixed.

I think I feel this way about the articles, because an article should be good and can be read at any time from the time it’s published. Blog posts are more stream of conciousness.

Twitter and comments are probably perception issues. I don’t want people to think that I don’t care by not commenting, and yet have nothing to add to the conversation. So, it’s like a mini article (this is not to say all of my comments, just some).

But why, on Earth, could reading a novel panic me? Particularly when I haven’t crossed the first chapter yet? The only reason I can think of is that I should have picked another genre for right now. But panic?

Maybe it’s too much tea and not enough water. Just say NO to caffeine!

Plus I’ve been feeling really blah for the past few days. I swear I had a slight fever, but I’m not convinced that I’m sick. I do suffer from Seasonal Affective Disorder year round, though. I work second shift, and my tiny, dirty window at the office is often blocked by trucks. So, lousy lighting. And the artificial sunlight lamp buzzes when it’s on, so that drains my brain too.

I tend to binge on things, and it seems to go in cycles. Around winter, all I want to do is craft and make jewelry. Summer, I just want to read. Internet, writing, and movie watching are kinda up for grabs. Right now, I’m burned out on the internet.

So, I’m going to take a few days and just relax. Do exactly what I want to do, whenever I feel like doing it. Maybe even clean the bath tub. Obviously this only counts during non-work hours, and when I’m not doing necessary things like washing dishes and cooking. Usually a few days of just hanging out fixes me right up for a month or two. Sometimes just the plan to relax gets my creative juices flowing again, and I never actually take my break.

Which is why I’m saying that I may be here, and may not be. The way I usually work, now that I said I probably won’t be around, I’ll be everywhere! It happens.

I’ll try to keep up with reading most of your blogs, and may post here. You may not even notice that I’m missing- but comments will probably be low for a bit, and I won’t be hanging around Twitter as much until I’m feeling productive again. Right now, I just really want to talk my husband into watching Enchanted with me, and catching up on those extras on DVDs that we’ve already watched. I want to keep my progress going on my WIP (7 pages on the weekend, another 1-2 last night before I got trapped in the kitchen). And, maybe play some games.

I’m gonna relax. Be back soon.

Don’t worry, I’m not getting whiny. It’s just that Monday evening I got a quote request. The subject was dull, and research seemed a bit… technical. It just didn’t strike my fancy, but I sent out a general quote along with a secondary quote and provisos as there wasn’t much information to go on aside from the subject and word count.

Sunday, the day before I got the quote request, I spent an hour at Panera working on my WIP. Not writing it, just making notes and reading over what I’d previously written (more on that in another post). I was starting to get excited about my writing again, both fiction and non-fiction. I was ready and raring to go. At the least to work on my own projects if not on someone else’s.

Of course, after getting the request, my initial response was to hold off until I heard back on whether I got the job or not. Just for a day or so, as I wanted to start on the project immediately if I’d gotten it.

No response. That, together with my not-actually-wanting-the-job-because-the-subject-sucks, and hubby’s depression (possibly side effect of his medication?) just made me feel lethargic. I was still able to do my short exercise routine and take care of necessities, but everything else started falling off.

First, I became addicted to Pogo.com. Ok, is there anything more pointless than playing puzzle games or dominoes for tokens that don’t do anything for you?

Then, I started losing interest in reading blogs. I know. It was bad. I more or less only read the My Town Monday posts (um… Wednesday and Thursday- I bet you noticed), and a handful of blogs that crack me up on a regular basis.

And, of course, despite having several subjects that I wanted to discuss on this blog, I spent the entire time on Pogo. Seriously. I’ve been spending 5-6 hours a day on Pogo. Granted, they force feed ads while the games load, so I read blogs in between- but still! Productive? I don’t think so.

My one saving grace during this whole week is that I have not once uttered the words “I don’t have the time” aside from in reference to vacation days. At least I knew I was slacking and didn’t lie about it.

I’ve done this my whole life. I’m as afraid of success as I am of failure. I like my comfort zone (particularly if there’s coffee and/or chocolate). I actually quite like change, but only when it’s on my own terms. Winning a bid on a bidding site? Awesome! Because I chose to apply for it. Being asked to do a project out of the blue? Noooooooo!

At least, while I let my panic-y self lose all productivity for a whole week, this time I didn’t let it depress me for more than a day or two. Yes, I wasted days on end playing “Sweet Tooth 2″, “Pop-it” and “Dominoes”- but it was relaxing.

And, my lack of interest in normal activities also let me catch up on a great book on plotting that a friend lent to me. Now, I just need to catch up on activities.

And no, I haven’t heard back from Potential Client. And I’ve decided that I don’t care. If I get a job or the job, I’ll be happy for the money. But I’m not letting it give me an excuse to not do anything else productive.

Though, I’ll probably continue hiding out at the coffee house.

I haven’t hit a wall so much as a quick sand pit in my novel. To be honest, I haven’t worked on it at all in several months. Sure, I can use the usual excuse of “too busy”, but the truth is, it just doesn’t do anything for me. Not the writing, I do get a high off of working on fiction, but the book itself.

Like most of my ideas, I start with an image, scene, or character and try to build a story around that. The problem is, I’m not a plotter. There is no story. I’ve written approximately 10,000 words, and aside from one scene near the end, I have no idea where to take it from here.

On top of this, my character is turning out to be rather more dull than I expected her to be. The hero is less strong and more silent. And the worst? The antagonist is merely an annoying twerp who could easily be booted at the very beginning.

While working on this, I’ve had some good, solid ideas. However, none of them really match up to make a story, and they don’t fit the characters in this story at all.

I was determined to finish this one. Whether it was any good or not didn’t matter. Just so long as I finished it. Just to say that I had, and now had the first crap novel out of the way and could work on my masterpiece. I’m struggling with the idea, because as much as I do want to finish it, just to prove that I can, every day that it’s hanging above me (literally, as the notebook is on top of the headboard) I stress further over my lack of action, and it saps my productivity.

So, do I push myself to work on something that I have no passion for? Just to say that I finished? Or box it up, and let it stew while I work on something that I do care about. Old projects that never made it past the first page have been percolating for years, and are now starting to take form. Perhaps that’s all I really need? Time, and the ability to forget, however temporarily?

I need to clean out my life. I’ve left half finished projects of all kinds clutter the house and my mind for far too long. I’ve finally started taking steps to declutter my home, but I’ve not done much lately for my mind. Is this my first step?

Right now I’ve actually accomplished my goal for the weekend of adding one article to each of my “pro” sites (the internet, dating, and craft sites), and I’m feeling a little antsy. Should I continue adding to one of them? Which one? I have to do research on two of them, and the third irritates me with the formating.

I told mom I’d set her up on an advice site, but she won’t be ready to start on it for a few weeks as she’s busy getting to know dad again, and job hunting. (She is back safe from Oklahoma, and so thrilled that her ankle swelling has gone down.)

I’ve been seriously slacking off on the book reviews. Both for TitleTrakk and here. While I’ve been all charged up about getting these sites started, I also have been under a large amount of stress since I’m mentally working on them even when I’m not actually working on them. So whenever I think about writing the reviews, my brain just rebels. Although really, I do need to do them. It’s just not as easy when you’ve read some incredible books, and then you get books that are simply good. Even really good books just sort of pale in comparison.

And I’d like to work on my own novel. I haven’t in several months, and that’s very, very bad. I have had some great ideas for things to change that just opened up a whole new world of possibility. It’s almost like starting at the beginning, but with a much better outline. Which is easy since I don’t do outlines.

I’m not even going to get started on the crafts I’d like to do, the jewelry I’d like to make, or how much I should be cleaning. Right now I think I’m going to make a big batch of mocha for hubby, and then try to get stuck in to these reviews.

Wish me luck!