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While researching some information for my novel, I came across an interesting glossary of sexual health terms. Um, Some of the answers just really tickled my funny bone, and rather than send you all to this extremely long page (and I’m not sayin’ what website it was- I swear it was research!), I’m just going to paste the funny ones in here.  If you’re REALLY easily offended, you might want to leave. I’m not putting anything too strong in here, but, fair warning.

hysteria
A mythical emotional disorder ascribed only to women for about 2,500 years. In ancient Greece, it was ascribed to not being pregnant often enough. In Roman times, it was ascribed to not having enough sex.  In Medieval times, and colonial times in North America, it was ascribed to not having enough or sufficient orgasms. In Victorian times and during the early 20^th century, it was also ascribed to too much intellectual stimulation and became an excuse for denying education and voting rights to women. At the beginning of the 20^th century, U.S. doctors invented the vibrator to treat hysteria. They brought women to orgasm with vibrators, which would supposedly calm them down and keep them from becoming hysterical. See “wandering uterus.”

Wow. That’s the last time I tell someone they’re being hysterical or referring to something as hysterical. Seriously.  Though you girls can use this to give your men hints. And it was developed by doctors? For medical treatment? Yeesh. Ya learn new things every day!

wandering uterus
A mythical emotional disorder first described in ancient Athens by Hippocrates, who is considered the “father of medicine.” Hippocrates taught that, unless a woman was pregnant often enough, her uterus would wander around inside her body looking for a fetus to inhabit it. As the uterus rose inside her, she would become hysterical. If she did not have sex with a man and become pregnant, the uterus would rise into her throat and strangle her. See “hysteria.”

Bwahahahahaha! I’m sorry, I just think this is hilarious. Granted, this is me with all our modern medical knowledge and all, but… seriously! And notice how it was always men that came up with these theories?

merkin
A wig for the genitals, used from the 16^th to the 18^th centuries by people who had lost their pubic hair due to small pox or scarlet fever. Now used to describe decorative patches worn over the genitals.

I so, so, so badly want to write a historical now, just so that I can use this! I also need to find a searchable database of Shakespeare’s works because I’m certain I’ve seen him use the term “merkin” in an insult before.

normophilia ­
Sexual preferences that are considered common or “normal” according to social norms.

Really? Really? Apparently because every possible deviant sexual behavior and preference is so widely accepted now, we actually have to define and name non-deviant behavior. Uhhhhh….

Hey everyone. I’ve been too busy playing games on Facebook to actually get any work done. But, I figured that while I’m waiting for my energy to regenerate, I could at least work on my agent query. Here’s what I have so far…

Dear Agent,

Sorry, I’d address you personally but I don’t actually know your name. But that’s ok, because once you hear my idea for a book, I’m sure you’ll forget about absolutely everything else!

I’m currently researching a book about SkyDiving Elephants and the Pineapples Who Love Them. The working title is “You Forgot To Pack My Trunk!”. My 10 year old is a really good drawer, and I thought she could do the illustrations. I think that would be really good for promotion too, because then kids will want to buy the book as much as adults, because someone their own age did the drawings!

I know that platform is everything, and so I’ve started a hugely successful blog. I have a lot of people coming to visit it, sometimes as many as 50 in a day. I know that 5 of them are foaming at the mouth just waiting for me to get published. I know this, because one is my mother, two of them are my best friends, one’s my brother’s girlfriend (we get along really, really well), and the other one is a stalker. I think if I tell him I’ll give him my phone number if he buys 5000 copies, we’ll have a really good start on sales.

And don’t worry, I’m totally not a noob. I’ve already found a publisher that wants me, and it’ll only cost $5000 for the first run of 250 books.

So, email me right back and we’ll get started!

Sincerely,
XOXO

P.S. Don’t try to steal my idea because I’ve copyrighted it.

(To anyone who isn’t familiar with me or my blog, please don’t flame me. This is a joke. Everyone knows that pineapples don’t love elephants, and if they did, they wouldn’t go on record about it.)

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Yeah, I thought you’d like that….