The first time that I heard of Mark Driscoll was while listening to Steve Brown interview his (Driscoll’s) arch nemesis: Brian McLaren. Hah! You thought I was going to say Rob Bell, didn’t you?

Anyway, eventually I got to hear Steve Brown interview the actual Mark Driscoll (pastor of mega church Mars Hill Church, with over 7000 members spread across several campuses in several states). Honestly, I got a few good laughs out of that interview, and quite often, as Driscoll was speaking, I’d think, “well, that’s an interesting take on it”, and then he’d finish his thought and I’d think, “interesting, but completely wrong.”. And Driscoll does have some interesting ideas. To him, MMA is next to godliness, swearing in the pulpit is a good way to reach people, and he seems to think that everyone is completely obsessed with sex simply because he, himself, is completely obsessed with sex.

So, it was with a good deal of trepidation that I requested his new book on marriage, Real Marriage: The Truth About Sex, Friendship, and Life Together. The focus of this book pretty much goes in that order.

So, first, the technical details. Real Marriage by Mark Driscoll and Grace Driscoll (his wife) is published by Thomas Nelson and is 256 pages long. Interestingly, about 1/4 of the book is a Preface, and Introduction (yes, both), and 5 appendices (plus a little more scattered around). The Preface, which is titled How Not To Read This Book, instructs you to not be a voyeur, a critic, to not say that you tried it and it didn’t work (actual quote “If it’s rooted in biblical wisdom, keep trying until it works or you die.”), don’t think of other people who need this book, don’t be unwilling to put in the work that this book says to do, don’t read this book and see your spouse’s shortcomings, don’t think you’re the exception, don’t try to figure out how to have a good enough marriage instead of a great one, talk about the book with your spouse- chapter by chapter, and don’t copy us.

The writing style leaves much to be desired. Unfortunately, I believe that the Driscolls really did actually write this book by themselves. Normally, I applaud celebrity books being written by the actual celebrity (and make no mistake, Mark Driscoll is a celebrity pastor- a strange, but real phenomena). However, while the sections that tell you what to do are pretty clear, the sections that tell you what they did tend to be rather vague. For example, it is mentioned in the book that Grace once (or, it seems to have been only once) had sex with another man shortly after she began dating Mark. Elsewhere, it is said that she was sexually abused. The way it’s written, it’s difficult to tell if the “sex with another man” incident is the same as the “sexual abuse” incident. The way the book is written, it sounds as though he’s referring to both cases as Grace sinning. This is cruel to Grace, whether intentional or unintentional, as many people now believe that he has called her rape to be her sin. It is, however, brilliant marketing, as once this firestorm erupted online, many people who had no interest in the book immediately ran off to obtain copies to read for themselves. Oops, there goes the “don’t be a critic” rule.

In addition to rather ambiguous stories of their past, it’s extremely difficult to tell who is writing what section until one identifies himself or herself. Several times, I was reading a section believing that it was one, and several paragraphs later, it’s identified as the other.

While I believe that advice should stand on its own (good or bad) and not depend on the character of the person giving it, I have to specify one incident here. While reading Real Marriage by Mark and Grace Driscoll, I was also reading Real Marriage reviews online. I also read one or two interviews. In the book, Real Marriage, Mark Driscoll states twice that he was not a virgin when he met Grace, and at least once that Grace was not a virgin when she met Mark. No biggie. For one thing, Mark wasn’t a Christian, and Grace had “fallen away”.  At location 288 in the ebook, Mark states, “By fifteen I had lied about my age, falsified my birth certificate, bought a car, and drove myself to work at a 7-Eleven (near the strip clubs), where I sold liquor, condoms, porn, and rubbing alcohol for freebasing drug addicts who lived in the low-income apartments next door. Around this time, I also started having sex with a girlfriend.” (he didn’t meet Grace until he was 17). At location 306 he says “Neither Grace nor I was a virgin when we met,”.  Here’s the thing, in an interview with Christianity Today, he says “We were virgins when we met and were sleeping together as high-school boyfriend and girlfriend.”  Now, maybe it was a mis-statement, or maybe CT accidentally left out the word “not”.  It’s been known to happen. However, he’s been caught in other untruths- for example, depending on the interview, he can’t make up his mind which state he was in when God told him to marry Grace and start a church.

Do I care whether they’d had sex before they met? No. Does it matter whether they’d had sex before they met? No. But if you’re going to make a big deal out of it (and they did), then they should at least get their story straight.

Now, as for the actual advice in the book, meh. Sure, some of it is solid- be friends with your spouse, respect your spouse, have sex often. That’s all well and good. It’s also in every half decent marriage book out there, and it’ll also be the advice that you get if you ask anyone with a decently healthy marriage for advice. Nothing new here, folks! Although, they do seem to confuse “respect” with “submit”. Really folks, just because your husband gets offended or hurt by something you say, that doesn’t necessarily mean that you’ve actually disrespected him.

1/3 of Real Marriage by Mark Driscoll and Grace Driscoll is devoted to sex. Yes, sex pervades the other 2/3, but 1/3 is actually devoted to it. Chapter 6 Sex: God, Gross, or Gift? had me ready to hurl the book across the room. But, it’s on my brand new Kindle, so, yeah, I restrained myself. This is the section that gave me the most giggles and the most nausea.

If you’ve ever wondered if it’s ok to have oral or anal sex with your spouse, there’s a chapter to address that too (good news, Mark gives both the thumbs up).

The most helpful part of Real Marriage, I think, is the section near the end where they list several pages worth of questions to discuss with your spouse. The questions are taken from their premarital counseling sessions, and I think that most, if not all, are worth discussing. At the very least, you’ll have fodder for a few days of discussion, and at the most, you’ll learn things that you never knew about yourself and your spouse as you open up about some deep topics.

The biggest minus is probably that, well, Pastor Mark comes across as a real jerk to his wife. Story after story about how he was treating her, and you expect a “Looking back, I really shouldn’t have/should have done this instead of that.”, and it never comes. Does he regret his poor treatment of his wife, or does he actually think that he treated her right? I don’t know. And that’s what worries me about this book. They say to not copy them, but anyone who needs a self help book tends to do just that. The opportunities for abuse based on this book is quite high. Anyone who is able to separate the chaff from the wheat very likely doesn’t need this book, and anyone who can’t, well, heaven help you because this book surely won’t.

For the most part, I can only recommend Real Marriage to fans of Mark Driscoll, because anyone else will either find it unhelpful or enraging, depending on your point of view. Actually, that’s not true. I also recommend it to those who loathe Driscoll, because there are plenty of (unintentionally)  hilarious quotes in here for those who already disagree with him.

If you’re deciding whether or not you would find this book helpful to your marriage, please do consider that Pastor Mark and his wife are not professional therapists, and this book was not intended for those in crisis. If you are in danger from an abusive spouse- get out and protect yourself. If you both have serious emotional, mental, and/or spiritual or physical problems creating a rift in your marriage, get professional help. This book is intended for those who just want a better marriage, not those who are in dire straits.

I received this copy of Real Marriage from Thomas Nelson’s BookSneeze review program in exchange for an honest review.

P.S. If you’re curious about some of the more interesting quotes from the book, let me know and I’ll try to hook you up.