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Fantasy football fever is breaking out all over my work place. Honestly, I really don’t get this, but perhaps that’s only because I don’t get football. I mean, I see all the pretty green grass and wonder why they have to ruin it by painting white stripes across it.

But what I really don’t understand about fantasy football is that apparently you don’t even put together a dream team. No, you simply pick one player and gain points based on what your player does in each game.

Just one player?

Heck, if I can only score points using one player, then I can do this fantasy league thing with anything! Or anyone. So I propose a Fantasy Author’s League.

I don’t have all the details worked out yet, but I see a point system that goes something like this:

1 Point For The Following Events:

Author has a book published in the current year, between January 1st and December 31st.

Each endorsement by someone who isn’t the author’s student, relative, best friend, or other person whom the reader couldn’t care less about.

Every review from a dedicated media outlet (book review bloggers allowed, regular bloggers not allowed).

Each award nomination (made up awards do not apply).

Each book currently in print (POD does not apply)

2 Points For The Following Events:

Each writer’s conference or publishing conference in which the author is a speaker.

Each genre award that the author, or author’s book wins in the current year.

Hitting a genre best seller list (including CBA).

Each endorsement from an author who has 2 or more books currently in print.

3 Points For The Following Events:

Hitting the top ten New York Times Best Seller List.

Winning a national award, such as any award that JK Rowling’s books boast about.

Each endorsement from a New York Times Best Selling author.

5 Points For The Following Events:

Each endorsement from Anne Rice, Nora Roberts, John Grisham, JK Rowling, Stephen King or similar.

Being Anne Rice, Nora Roberts, John Grisham, JK Rowling, Stephen King or similar.

Deduct 5 Points For The Following Events:

Each book that is self-published.

Each post that slags off readers or fellow authors.

Releasing a book about sparkly vampires, mopey teens, or having a b*tchy protagonist who hooks up with every hunk, spends her entire salary on shoes, eats nothing but lettuce, and feels justified in ditching her druggie best friend because her boss is obnoxious.

Anybody have points to add?

This post brought to you by: my mother complaining that I haven’t posted anything new, and my new found (soon to be lost) ability to finish reading my favorite blogs with time to spare.

After a rather stressful day for my husband, and a usual half lazy/half productive day for me, it was time to eat.

Remember, we’re 2nd shift, and so our big meal of the day is “lunch” at about 7pm, and sadly heated in the microwave. For our 3rd meal of the day, we usually do our own thing (usually eggs for him, and leftovers for me), though I do sometimes cook.

So, still stressed out, hubs starts preparing to cook his dinner as I’m reheating a lovely grass fed burger and some green beans in my cast iron skillet, and starts complaining that he can’t find his tortillas AGAIN. This would be because he insists that all of his items be in the front and easy to access while everything I cook with gets shoved to the back. When I cook, I don’t care and shove things in wherever they fit.

So, being the loving wife that I am (ok, just irritated because he’s whiny in the kitchen) I shooed him out of the way, lifted up the plate of leftover pancakes and pulled out his tortillas. I did notice that they dripped a bit as I put them onto the counter, but just assumed it was condensation from one of the many stupid things that we keep in the fridge and hoped he wouldn’t even notice it.

Unfortunately, he not only noticed it, but he noticed that it was milk.

Milk? Impossible. I’ve been buying milk in glass bottles, and glass doesn’t just develop a leak! Maybe I didn’t put the lid on tight and milk that was under the lid dripped out?

I started checking all of the milk bottles that I’d opened (raw for me, pasteurized for him, chocolate for us), and none of them were dripping. And then, through the clear glass of a half empty milk bottle, I saw an unattractive thick yellow smear. Surrounded by clear glass.

The bottle in the back had not only cracked, the entire front was shattered. And there was about 1/2 inch of milk left in the bottom. A half gallon of milk (my precious raw milk at that!) was gone. Literally gone. As in, maybe a quarter cup was scattered over items in the lower two shelves.

Well, I’ve been meaning to clean the refrigerator anyway…

Our fridge is kept ice cold. Milk kept in the back ALWAYS freezes. Always. And I know this. But when I was putting the groceries away, our fridge was already packed full to the gills (it’s a cheap, small fridge provided by our apartment complex management). I’m still not sure if it froze and burst the glass, or if it was from other glass bottles being shoved against it repeatedly.

I did pretty well, too. I only got stuck with a glass shard once, and it only took a few minutes to clean off the food and shelves (despite my husband’s dire predictions of how the fridge would reek of spoiled milk- raw milk doesn’t really spoil, it sours, and the beneficial bacteria in there more or less just gave our entire food supply a healthy dose of probiotics… assuming that any of it got into the food itself).

Problem is… where did the rest of it go?

There’s a kind of grating in the back on the bottom shelf, which I’d always assumed led straight into the bottom drawer. With a sick feeling, I pulled the drawer out, expecting our produce and deli meat to be swimming in milk- only to find it dry as a bone.

The thing is, that drawer broke within weeks of us moving in, so as I pulled it out, it came out. I mean, really came OUT. And that’s when I found out where all the milk (and some crumbs) had gone.

I used up almost a whole roll of paper towels, knowing that hubs would not want me to run a pile of laundry, and me being unable to find the worthless towels anyway since hubs always insists on hovering exactly in my way when in the kitchen. Not really a problem except…

The bottom of the drawer had been sitting in the milk and was now sitting on the space carpet. And, as I was swishing around in there, a bunch of milk swooshed out and ran under the fridge. I think I got it all…

So while I didn’t cry, I think I finally, finally understand where the saying “No use crying over spilled milk” comes from. You just get on your knees, mop it up, regret the loss of $4 worth of milk plus the $2.50 deposit for the bottle, and realize that you’ll have to go milk-less for a few days.

I’m also more determined than ever that when we’re able to buy a house, that it will have TWO kitchens. One for him, and one for me.

BTW- if you want to know about the real food that I cooked this weekend, go ahead and click that link.

My apologies to everyone who has become suicidal over my lack of postings. I have been very active online, but haven’t felt much like posting, and when I did feel like posting, it was usually over something that’s juuuuust a little too long for Twitter but definitely too short for a decent post. So, I’m going to harass you all with randomness.

1. I got back from Walt Disney World about a month ago. It was awesome, but it was HOT. As in we were in the park that has the least amount of shade on a 92 degree day with 92% humidity. Yeah. Luckily, my husband has finally agreed that we’re never going down for our anniversary again AND that he promised to never complain about the cold in Jan/Feb when we’re in Florida.

2. My husband has taken to a liberal use of powder (all kinds- baby powder, athlete’s foot powder, Gold Bond medicated… you name it, he uses it) in our master half bath. When I commented on the now white floor, his response was “Yes, I like to call it my…(yes, he really paused for dramatic effect) powder room.”

3. I can now be called a card carrying health nut. I’ve switched to coconut oil for almost all of my frying needs, with the only exception being when I really think butter or bacon fat is just too perfect. I am now drinking raw (unpasteurized) whole milk, and even enjoying it when it starts to go sour. I’m tossing all of my table salt and replacing it all with sea salt (if you get the right kind, it even tastes better), using my cast iron skillet as much as possible, and have just this week soaked grains and sprouted pinto beans to reduce the phytic acid in both. I’ve managed to find high fructose corn syrup and soy free tortillas, and despite the huge list of preservatives, consider that a major victory. I’ve found a local farmer’s market that sells grass fed/pastured meats, raw milk, high heat/short time pasteurized unhomogenized milk, and farm fresh eggs.  And I spend much time every day reading Kelly the Kitchen Kop because, well, it’s interesting and she’s nice and there’s a lot of good information that’s easy to understand on it. I’ve been wanting to give her a quality back link, but I can’t think of any terms that she might be trying for… And, as usual, when I went to her site to get an idea, I got sucked into more interesting posts. So, check out her politically incorrect nutrition blog, but don’t say that I didn’t warn you about getting sucked in for hours on end!

4. I had the misfortune of seeing one of my co-workers doing the Macarena. *shudder*

5. I really need to post more often!

6. Oh, and about that whole coconut oil/full fat milk thing? Yeah, I lost 13lbs in about 2 weeks.